Bagpipes & Bagpipers

Let me say at the offset... I LOVE BAGPIPES!!!
and I like a good joke.  Scottish people love to laugh
even if the laugh is on them: a trait to be admired.

 

 

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.




Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock


Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.


Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?


Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.


Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.


Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.


Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."


Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.


Q. How do you put a twinkle in a piper's eye?
A. Shine a light in his ear.
 


 

At the school concert, Wee Willie had volunteered to play his bagpipes. The noise was dreadful, like a choir of cats singing off-key.
After he'd blown his way through The Flowers of the Forest he asked, "Is there anything else you'd like me to play?"
"Yes!" cried a voice from the back of the hall.
 


Q. How do you get a piper out of a tree?
A. Cut the noose.

Q. What’s the difference between a piper and a walrus?
A. One squeals a lot and the other is a walrus.

Q. What’s the difference between an in-tune piper and Bigfoot?
A. Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q. Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the bagpipes?
A. It saves time.
 

Piper: "Did you hear my last performance?"
Neighbor: "I hope so."

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

 Q. What's the difference between a cat in the road and a bagpipe in the road? 
A.  People usually swerve to MISS the cat.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of the bagpipe,
unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

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